By Stefanie Hamilton

We all want to help when we know someone is in trouble. We worry, get frustrated, and even become angry when we see someone we care about making harmful or destructive decisions.

But there are right and wrong ways to offer help.

Eating disorders affect hundreds of thousands of people in the United States. You likely know someone who is struggling, or has struggled, with an eating disorder. If someone you love exhibits signs of disordered eating, don't be afraid to talk to them.

But when you talk, choose your words carefully, and keep the following in mind:

It's Not About You

While it's true that you're affected by your friend's actions, don't turn the focus from her to you. Avoid phrases like "How could you do this me?" or "Think about what this will do to your friends and family."

Also, avoid trying to guilt the person into eating with phrases like "If you love me, you'll eat." Again, it's not about you, and certainly about whether or not your friend loves you. Manipulative statements like this often lead to feelings of resentment and will not motivate the person to eat.

People with eating disorders already struggle with guilt and anxiety. Adding more won't make them seek help any faster.

It's Not About Weight

Believe it or not, eating disorders aren't about weight. People with anorexia aren't starving themselves because they want to look better. They're starving themselves because they feel ugly. And they'll feel this way no matter how much weight they lose. Eating disorders have deep-rooted emotional and psychological causes.

Telling someone they look good (or even great), won't help. Telling them they're starting to gain weight and "look healthy" isn't encouraging either.

Generally, it's best not to talk about appearance or weight at all. If a loved one who's struggling with an eating disorder asks you if they look good, don't answer. Instead, ask them how they feel. Help them focus on the right things - how they're thinking and feeling - rather than obsessing over their appearance.

Along those same lines, don't - under any circumstances - express envy or admiration for their "self control" or their ability to lose weight. Comments like these only reinforce destructive behaviors.

It's Not About Time

You may be tempted to set a time limit, hoping it will push your friend or family member to "get serious" about their recovery. Unfortunately, that kind of pressure could simply cause them to give up.

Everyone responds differently to different types of recovery programs. The best way to support someone who has an eating disorder is to give them the time they need to find and respond to the right kind of recovery program.

It's Not About Attention

A common belief among those who have never struggled with an eating disorder is that people with anorexia or bulimia are simply vying for attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. People with eating disorders typically go to great lengths to keep their behavior a secret.

It Is About Care and Concern

Someone with an eating disorder doesn't need guilt, or manipulation, or time limits. They need care and concern. They need to know that your love and support are unconditional and that you'll be there for them as they struggle to get well.

If someone you know confides in you that they has an eating disorder, or tells you that they took a step backward in their recovery last night, the best response you can give is "I care about you."